Infinite Regress
by jhoom
Summary: As Shepard reaches the end of her life, she finds herself suddenly thrown back on Eden Prime. Will she use what she knows to change the future, or try to preserve the timeline? Kink meme fill. Rating for sex and language.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: ** Kink meme fill (as per usual). Rated M because of minor citrus towards the end. This is probably the first time where I'm filling a prompt, but the whole point isn't just to get to the sexytimes - sexytimes are just sort of something that happens during the plot. Weird, right? Title comes from an episode of Voyager for those of you who might be curious.

I kind of like the idea of exploring ME1-2 through this, but at the same time the idea makes me very very weary... It's a lot to go through. I may end up adding more to this if I can think of any particular scenes/aspects I want to address. We'll see how it goes.

I feel somewhat guilty posting this as I have other, incomplete stories to work on, but the prompt caught my attention. And sometimes it's just easier to get back in the swing of things with something completely new.

* * *

><p><strong>Infinite Regress <strong>

As she lay in the belly of a dying Reaper, leg pinned and useless under a fallen beam, a heavily panting turian somewhere behind her, Jane Shepard wondered what had gone wrong. They had been close - _so_ close - to winning this thing. To saving Earth. So goddamned close... Only to have it fall apart at the end.

She didn't know where the rest of her team had ended up. If they were even alive. She prayed they were but knew they were better off dead. The Reaper was falling towards the surface, stuck in the embrace of Earth's orbit. Anyone still breathing wouldn't be for much longer.

Shepard wondered if she should be comforted that she'd die on her people's home planet. Better than being suffocated in the vacuum above some remote rock whose name she only knew because it had once held her remains. But at least then she'd thought humanity stood a chance. Thought her sacrifice might _mean_ something...

There was spitting and a mumbled curse that just came through her translator as garbled static. "What was that?" she asked, brought back to the present. She turned, contorting her spine just to make eye contact. She stared at Garrus coughing up blue blood and doing his best to hold his organs in. She had this odd sense of déjà vu, like she was back on Omega saving his sorry ass. But the terror she'd felt then was replaced with a cold knowing. This was it. No Normandy waiting on standby. No Chakwas to save them. There wouldn't be anything left of them to pull from the wreckage.

Hell, there'd probably be no one left to even look.

"I said, 'Aw fuck.'" He gestured towards the empty medigel pack between them. It would have been useless - she could feel the Reaper picking up speed as it fell to their combined doom - but it would've made the last couple minutes a little more bearable. But that self-righteous asshole would've probably just used it on her leg, and then she'd have to die feeling even more guilty.

"Always the poet, Vakarian." she mumbled. So much hung in the air between them. It didn't seem fair to make declarations of love that would go unexperienced. She didn't want to think about what could have been. There was enough destruction going on around them that she didn't need to add whatever they had to it. All they had left to share was a few moments of strangled breathing and the clenching feeling in their guts.

And the knowledge that they'd failed.

"You know me. I try."

Despite herself, she smiled, but then immediately forced it away. She was glad he was there with her, at the end of things, and felt really fucking selfish. How could she be _glad_ he was dying with her? It wasn't even a blaze of shared glory. It was in the shame of defeat on a monumental level.

Her ears popped as the pressure changed. They were in the atmosphere. Not long now.

She felt Garrus come up behind her, leaned into him. Why did someone so good have to die with a failure like her? What could he have accomplished if he hadn't been stuck following her orders?

He wiped away the tears she hadn't noticed. Shepard sniffled slightly and almost broke. She could feel the words start to jumble together as they tried to force their way out. _"I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry. I can't believe I let it get this fucked up."_

The look in his eyes was intense. _"Don't you fucking dare apologize for this."_

Things start to shake violently. Somewhere an explosion thundered. Debris fell. Garrus' grip tightened, but it was still pathetically weak. She closed her eyes and buried her head in the crook of his neck, lips firmly pressed against his plates.

She didn't know if she believed in an afterlife. Whatever was left behind in her head after she was spaced - the jumbled nightmares and confusion and the sound of Ashley's voice whispering in her ear - she just didn't know. But if there _was _one… If there was _anything_ after this…

"Follow me," she whispered. She hoped he understood.

"Always."

Part of the Reaper must have made contact because an impact threw them into the air. Shepard instinctively put up her biotics, their dazzling blue light deflecting some of the debris. The noise was gut wrenching, impossibly loud. She thought she heard Garrus call her name, but as she tried to protect her face she couldn't be sure. She wasn't even sure he was still with her.

If it were even possible, the noise became even louder, tearing apart her eardrums. It was stupid to keep struggling, like fighting a tidal wave, but she forced her biotics outward. She could feel it arcing around her, away from her. She screamed in an effort to drown out the noise and power her futile resistance. Her anger, her rage, her enormous guilt rained out around her.

_There's no point_, part of her chided. _You're seconds from death. Just accept it._

But then she thought of Earth ablaze under the Reaper's constant onslaught. The millions, the billions she couldn't save. Of the ones closest to her already gone.

In a final act of sheer emotion - that huge mix of everything it's possible to feel, enough that it should have weighed her down and crushed her - her energy spiked once more. This little defiance in the face of death was her last stand. No one could say she'd given in, even in the end.

Somehow one of the projectiles got through. Something too big to deflect in blind fury. And as quickly as the crash had thrown her from Garrus, the impact to the back of her head threw her into unconsciousness.

* * *

><p>It was dark for a long time.<p>

Slowly, very slowly, she felt herself wake up. Her life flashed before her eyes, just like it had as she suffocated above Alchera, but it was different now. It played in reverse, the most important moments of her life coming and disappearing in quick succession so that she barely had time to process it. She wasn't awake enough, whole enough, to think yet. Her mind was open to experiences but wasn't able to process them.

The images calmed. She became more aware of the details in them. Her backwards motion through her life slowed and came almost to a standstill. Old thoughts mixed with more recent ones. There was a convergence inside of her. Two distinct personalities, meeting and fusing. Neither side resisted, but neither embraced what was happening.

Her first conscious thought was, _This is harder than the last time._

With a start she realized she was standing in the cockpit of the Normandy. Shepard stared blankly at the scene around her, the eerily familiar place and the eerily familiar words echoing around her.

_The SSV Normandy SR-1, Systems Alliance Space Vehicle Stealth Reconnaissance, _part of her mind supplied.

_Destroyed in an attack by the Collectors in orbit of Alchera_, another added.

_Co-developed by the Alliance with the Hierarchy. Turian and human,_ the first part countered.

_Turian and human,_ the second agreed wistfully. _Turian and human..._

"Commander?"

Her head snapped automatically to see Joker starring at her in confusion.

"You alright? You look like you've seen a ghost or something."

"I'm fine," she said automatically. She sure as hell didn't feel fine.

"Well, I think Nihilus and the Captain are waiting for you."

She nodded and headed back, trying not to look as shaken up as she felt.

* * *

><p>It was weird (no, it was <em>wrong<em>)to be there, on that ship. Part of her felt at home, but the other part felt extremely antsy. It was strange feeling two parts of herself at war with each other. One half perfectly content to lead Jenkins and Kaidan onto Eden Prime. The other half of her wanting nothing to do with this mission. The half of her that knew all too well she wouldn't like what she found at the end.

She should've stopped Jenkins from dying. In the seconds before it actually happened, she saw it. But she didn't. She needed to... to _test_ what she was feeling. Know if she was right. If her mind was slipping into some sort of dementia or if what she remembered was _real_.

And then she _was_ right. It _was _real. There was Jenkins' body lying at her feet to prove it.

"Ripped right through his shields. He never stood a chance." The words echoed in her head before Kaidan could even say them.

She said the right words, ones she'd said before, all the while thinking about what would come next.

_Ashley_, a dark part of her whispered. Dread or joy at the possibility of seeing a fallen comrade…

She stifles the emotion and memories. This isn't the time.

* * *

><p>They rush ahead and Shepard realizes for the first time that this might be tricky. Never in her life had she felt like <em>less<em> than what she should be. In every conceivable way, she found her body lacking. It was, quite frankly, unacceptable. Her body was slower than she was used to, the weapons not as good, the armor not as thick. When she stretched her mind to use her biotics, she found them missing.

_Biotics?_ the younger part asked in alarm. Stories of mistreated biotic children raced to the surface, the idea of biotic amps implanted throughout her body making her almost queasy.

The older part of her conjured up a memory of her charging toward a mech and unleasing a heavy shockwave.

The younger part gaped in awe, a greedy longing beginning to grow.

_You don't want to know the price,_ she warned, even as she herself was willing to pay it.

* * *

><p>For a moment she feels oddly complete, having Williams and Alenko at her sides again. Even after all that's happened, in the back of her mind she's always seen them as part of her crew, Virmire and Horizon aside.<p>

But the memory of Ashley's death, the explosions that would consume the young woman at _her_ order, had her wondering, _Would I make that call again?_

A shot rings out across the valley, and all too easily she pictures Nihilus' body at the end of this path. A warning, one word, is all it would have taken to stop it. And in the echoes of that shot, she knows the answer to her question.

_Yes_.

* * *

><p>Her shields give out briefly from a stray shot. She curses like a good marine should as she dives behind cover.<p>

_Well done_. The amusement fades as the younger self realizes the surprise. _That didn't happen last time._

She finds herself reaching for a new heat sink, too distracted to realize she doesn't even need it. Shepard manages to play it off and Kaidan just quirks an eyebrow before laying down fire.

_I'm not fighting like when I was you,_ she admits. A dozen names float to mind, people she's used to having at her six. Not the dead Ashley Williams who only just met her. Not Alenko, who might know the old Shepard but who's not used to the style she's trying to use. Instead she longs for people who would have never let that shot through.

A hole inside of her grows where a certain sniper should be.

* * *

><p>Kaidan moves too close to the beacon. Again. She lets the pattern continue. Prepares to run in to push him out of the way.<p>

She wishes she could skip this part. Having those images drilled into her brain again... It was an unappealing prospect, especially given that everything was already _there_ inside her head, as clear as it had ever been (which is of course to say, not that clear).

She has a feeling that this time, when Liara tries to make sense of the images, she's going to have to resist the young asari even more. How would Shepard explain to the young archaeologist that she'd be the Shadow Broker in a couple years after working with Cerberus to save her body from the Collectors? God. That _on top of_ the Prothean Beacon? They'd have her committed.

_You sound crazy to _me, agrees part of her.

* * *

><p>The Beacon seems to fix something inside of her mind.<p>

They feel a merger between both sides, old and new. They don't need to converse any more. They share the combined information of two lives, use it to create a third. They look for ways to improve it, to give Earth a better chance.

Shepard barely listens to Anderson and Udina, goes through the motions. All the while thinking, planning, looking for opportunities.

In the end, they can't find anything they can do _now_ that wouldn't be too risky. Things barely came together the first time around. The Citadel. The Collectors.

The Bahak System...

Killing Saren now might mean destroying Earth tomorrow. It was all about balance. Knowing how the ripples she started today would shape the events years from now was absolutely _essential_. So they agreed not to change anything until they had a better idea of what those changes might _mean_.

* * *

><p>Her mind just about exploded at the sight of him.<p>

_Vakarian,_ part of her cooed, saying his family name like the sweetest of endearments.

She's staring at him shamelessly and she knows it. The first time through, she'd been too focused on the mission. Now all she can do is fake her way through the conversation as she re-memorizes his face. He looks younger than she remembers, but of course that makes sense. It almost makes her smile to see his face whole, not hidden by a bandage and marked by betrayal.

He says the right words, does the right things, but he's looking at her with an intensity that the situation doesn't warrant. The older part of her knows that look very well. But it doesn't belong _here_ and _now_. He's too confident, moves a little differently.

For a moment she has this odd recollection of their first talk after Omega. She'd gone to the Main Battery, expecting him to be the same as before she'd died. But he'd grown too much since then that she had to superimpose the new Garrus on top of the old one. She'd expected a C-Sec Officer. She got Archangel.

She realizes she hasn't been listening to a word he's said. She knew it all like a well-rehearsed script. Just the tone was enough to have her mind reeling. It was the most alive she'd felt since she came back.

They shake hands before parting, and they both hesitate to let go. A surge of hope rolls through her gut. _Maybe_...

For the first time, she almost breaks from the script. She wants to force him to join her _now_. _"Come watch me argue with the Council and tell Saren where to shove it."_ The only thing that stops her is the thought of Doctor Michel. Garrus coming with her now means the poor doctor dies in her office.

The timeline. Always have to think about the timeline.

Ashley and Kaidan escort her away, both aware that something has just happened. Shepard can't help looking back as they make their way up the steps to the Council. A slight blush crosses her cheeks when she sees him watching her go.

* * *

><p>Her equilibrium's off. The earlier sense of completion she felt having Kaidan and Ashley back has shifted to a quiet discomfort.<p>

The ghost of her dead/not dead friend makes her ill at ease. The guilt of having been responsible for her death had always been a huge weight on her. Now… to become friends with a woman and at the same time enduring the knowledge of her imminent death… It was draining.

And the looks Kaidan keeps giving her... Had his affections always been that obvious? It made her uncomfortable, given the nature of their current/future camaraderie that was **strictly** platonic. All the emotional bullshit had been talked out, dealt with, and they'd moved on. Now the spectre/lieutenant, the ex/future lover was distracting her. She didn't like having to act, to pretend to feelings she no longer had.

Wrex on the other hand, was just Wrex. No guilt or confusion involved.

It took her all of three seconds to decide to send Kaidan back to the ship. She cites the timeline as her excuse. Really, any time with Ashley, as guilty as it makes her feel, is better than no time.

* * *

><p>Shepard is nearly bouncing as they head to the good Doctor's clinic. She feels ridiculous, like a kid on Christmas Eve, but she can't help the unrestrained <em>joy<em> growing inside of her.

She tries to tell herself it's not him, not really. It's Garrus but it's not. At least not the one she's known the past few years…

But it's like with Ashley. Some Garrus is better than no Garrus.

* * *

><p>Word for word, beat by beat, shot for shot it goes just like before. The Doctor's safety taken care of, Ashley sent back to the Normandy, they can finally head off to deal with Fist (that insufferable ass).<p>

She can feel his heat behind her. Every step he takes in time with hers. Somehow she knows his eyes are boring into the back of her head.

He's walking too closely to her. She worries briefly that he might scrape the back of her heels that's how close he is. It doesn't bother her – not at all – but it's closer than he should be. At least, closer than C-Sec Officer Garrus Vakarian had ever dared walk behind Commander Shepard.

Maybe Garrus Vakarian, Chief Gunnery Officer and former freelance vigilante. _He_ might get that close. He is, in fact, quite often encouraged to do so…

She shakes her head to dispel the memories. _Not the time,_ she repeats like a mantra, a prayer to her self-control.

But she can't escape the heady feeling rushing through her. The more she tries to ignore it, the more it threatens to overtake her senses.

For a moment she slips completely into that future self. The one who was seconds away from dying inside a Reaper; the one who thought she was about to lose him; the one who survived and gets a second chance.

They near a door and she just can't help it.

Shepard stops abruptly, stepping to the side just enough to keep Garrus from running into her. Taking advantage of his surprise, she pushes him off balance and through the door.

"Shepard!" he calls in shock, stumbling backwards and nearly landing flat on his ass.

She ignores him, instead wheeling around to Wrex. She points a finger at him menacingly (he seems quite amused by the "threatening" gesture) and snaps, "Don't let anyone in here. That's an order."

She expects him to drawl out a complaint, saying he doesn't follow her orders, but the krogan is clearly amused and would much rather find out what the great Commander Shepard has planned for the turian she just threw into a bathroom.

It isn't until she follows Garrus inside and shuts the door behind them that she realizes that _that's_ where they are. A lonely Citadel bathroom tucked away in the back of the Wards.

He's staring at her like she's crazy, and really, she must be. This is way off the beaten trail. Jane Shepard never accosted him like this.

"Shepard, what the hell?" he demands, but he's not as upset as she'd expect. They did, after all, just meet a few hours ago. He should be pissed off. Instead he just sounds wary. Like he's testing the waters.

She doesn't know what to say to him, how to find out what she so desperately wants to be true. So she goes with her gut.

She throws herself at him, arms locking around his neck, body pressing into him in a highly inappropriate way. He collapses against the wall behind them just as her lips meet his plates. Even if he doesn't know Jane Shepard from any other human, there's no mistaking her intentions.

As soon as she's kissing him, she realizes how dumb she is. This isn't _her_ Garrus. Not yet. And now he might never be because whatever made him look at her like that in the first place, I guarantee you it wasn't anything like this.

His first instinct should be to push her away, then to get the hell out of there. Find some other way to investigate Saren, as long as it means getting away from this crazy human with boundary issues. His hands come up to grip her shoulders. For a horrible second she waits for him to push her away. If he does, her heart swears this will be the third time she's died in so many years.

But then his right talon follows her armor up to her neck, the other floats down to the small of her back, both pulling her forward greedily.

It really is like she's died again.

He does eventually push her back and she moans in protest. Gently, he brushes a lose strand of hair behind her ear and then cradles her face in his hand. The way he's looking at her right now…

"I told you I'd follow," he rumbles deeply before leaning in for more.

Suddenly it doesn't matter that they're in a damn bathroom on the Citadel with an amused krogan not fifteen feet away. This is officially the most romantic moment of her lives.

At first they're tender, nuzzling and kissing and just taking comfort in their shared survival. Shepard's not foolish enough to question it. It was miracle enough for her to survive and be here. She wouldn't tempt the gods to take him away by voicing her doubt.

But then tender just isn't cutting it. They're _alive_. They're _together_.

The pieces of armor start to fall as they scramble to get it off each other. They'd had such a rhythm before. Now it's almost awkward. His old armor doesn't have the same buckles and joints that she's used to. Her standard issue N7 armor isn't as good as the custom one from Cerberus – hell, she could've told you that as soon as she stepped onto Eden Prime – and apparently it wasn't designed with talons in mind. But somehow they manage to get it off each other and to a point of mutual undress.

Garrus looks the way he always has underneath his armor. Maybe he seems a little less worn down, but except for his unscarred cheek she can't see a physical difference.

The way he's gawking at her, and she instantly knows he sees whatever Cerberus did. Or rather, hasn't done yet. For the first time in a long time, she feels self-conscious in front of him.

He pulls her back to him and nips her ear. Any tension she felt instantly diffuses and they're back in their rhythm.

She almost giggles when she realizes that this is technically their first time. In comparison to their actual first time, this is…

'Not awkward' is the description she decides to go with.

Garrus is on his knees in front of her, tongue gently wrapped around her left nipple while one hand strokes her right breast, thumb gliding across the hardening nipple. She finds the soft spots of his neck and fringe, teases him with her nails. She's so lost already that she nearly cries out when his other hand slips over her clit. The intensity of her response surprises them both, but Garrus presses his advantage and strokes her again and again.

She only lasts a couple minutes like that, completely at his mercy, before she pulls away and forces him to his feet. Never one to miss a cue, he presses her against the wall and pins her arms above her head.

She has time to briefly wonder if it matters that she doesn't have the skin weave and the other "upgrades." The two of them had never had any issues with turian-human compatibility, but that was in truth a different Shepard, at least physically. This Shepard, the first one (she refused to think of it as the "real" her), was more… breakable.

Not that she isn't willing to risk it.

There's a moment of hesitation as he thrusts gently against her thigh. Clearly he has the same concern.

"It's fine. I'll be fine."

"I don't want to hurt you-" she interrupts him by shifting slightly, moving him towards her entrance. He braces himself against the wall and growls in warning.

"Come on, Vakarian, man up," and a roll of her hips almost forces him inside of her.

"Spirits, Shepard, don't _do_ that." He takes a deep breath before slowly entering her.

She sucks in a deep breath and bits down on her lower lip. It really is like their first time all over again. The depth of the emotion she feels for him mixes with the feeling of him inside of her. But behind all that is the younger Shepard, temporarily separate and outside of the combined self they'd managed to create. This woman can't process what's going on. She's seen what they'll be together, knows what Garrus will mean to her, but it's so far ahead of what she's ready for. To feel connected to someone else like this, across time and space and death itself. Never mind that he happened to be a turian.

He seems frozen in place. He's already panting and she wonders if he's feeling what she does. If the younger part of him doesn't know what to make of this.

She kisses him gently on his right cheek, still marveling at the pristine skin. "You still with me?"

"Yes," he manages. His look is distant, but he finally focuses on her face. "I just… needed a moment."

She draws her legs around his waist and completely trusts him to support her. "Take as long as you need, just keep in mind, we're on a deadline."

"Greeeat, because I really need the added pressure right now."

"Get moving, Vakarian," she laughs. "That's an order."

"Yes, ma'am." He pulls back and thrusts in slowly. The second time he does it with more force, and again a little harder. But his pace never goes as fast as she's used to.

For a while she just enjoys herself and lets him take charge. She wants more but doesn't want to push him yet. This moment is strangely delicate, stolen from some other time and place, another person's life.

Shepard knows he's straining not to hurt her. His left arm is supporting her but the other is digging into the wall, cracks slowly spreading out under the pressure. "Garrus," she says, "It's me. It's okay." She pauses. "Please."

That helps a little. She feels the muscles in his back loosen up. He picks up his pace a little, but soon slows down again. Seeing an opportunity, she braces both hands against the wall and then pushes off.

"Shepard!" For the second time today, she throws him off balance. He lands on his back this time, Shepard sitting on his lap and still straddling him.

"Shhhh, just relax."

The change in position helps. He lets her take control, moving harder and faster and deeper than he was willing to risk. Soon he's groaning and struggling not to thrust up. They both feel the desperation as they meet again and again.

"Shepard," he mumbles like a prayer. She hopes he doesn't say it. It'll break her to hear him say it.

Silently they agree not to use the dreaded L-word.

Towards the end she slows down. She can tell they're both close, but she wants to drag it out. Wants to keep him as long as possible before dealing with the galaxy's mess.

His hand help her guide their love-making. He's in no hurry either. They leisurely make their way towards the end.

Somehow Garrus muffles a cry as his release hits him, almost knocking him out with the force of it. His final upward thrust sets her off and she rides him a little longer while she tries to recover.

About to collapse, she's grateful when he pulls her on top of him.

They've wasted too much time. They both know it. Without a word, Shepard pries herself away from him. It hurts too much to look at him, so she avoids eye contact as they begin to get dressed.

She doesn't want the moment to end. "You know," she starts reluctantly, "it has to be like it was from here on out. Up until the trial, nothing can change."

"Of course." He's found one of his greaves. He's too calm. Hasn't figured it out yet.

"_Everything_ needs to be the same," she reiterates, hoping she doesn't have to say it. He still doesn't react the way she expects and she knows he hasn't thought through what he's agreeing to. "That means Alchera, too."

Finally, he freezes, a tenseness rippling through him as the understanding spreads. His mandibles twitch as he tries to regain control of himself. "No," he finally manages in an almost strangled way. Then, more firmly, "_No._"

"We barely escaped that base with everyone alive. I can't risk changing that-"

"I won't risk Cerberus not bringing you back this time."

"Not your decision."

"Why the hell not," he snarls then immediately looks away in shame. She waits patiently. This had always been a touchy subject for him. That infamous two years were harder for him to talk about than even Sidonis. "It was _agony_ the first time, when I _knew_ you weren't coming back. How can I do it again? How can I sit around and do nothing while I know Liara's helping? How can I just wait, _hoping_ you'll come back but still not really knowing?"

She looked him square in the eye. Tried to convey everything with that look. That they were _both_ risking a lot. That this was more than about just the two of them. That everything needed to be _perfect_ or it would all go to shit again. She didn't think she could do this a third time. "You're just going to have to trust me." It really was as simple as that.

There was a long pause. He relaxes a little in resignation, but then seems to hesitate slightly. After carefully avoiding her eye, he just sighs and asks, "Does this mean you're going to sleep with Kaidan again?" He sounds more exasperated than jealous or annoyed. His tone almost makes her laugh, until she realizes what he's just said.

Shepard makes a face. She... hadn't really thought about that yet. The emotional complications were... something she hadn't exactly enjoyed her first time around. "I, uh..." she coughed slightly, turning away and trying not to blush. "We'll see." _Just lie back and think of defeating the Reapers... _

He nods absentmindedly. "Do I really have to say the line about popping the heat sink again?"

This time she can't help the snort of laughter that threatens to turn into an outright guffaw. "Let's uh... agree to skip the more awkward parts of our courtship when we get to the SR2, alright?"

"Agreed. Could you also take it easy on the Mako? That was my one grievance serving on the SR1, and I'd really rather-"

"Be calibrating?" she deadpanned. He scowled in mock offense. She rolled her eyes. "I'll see what I can do about the Mako. No promises."

She walks over and puts a hand on his shoulder. "Seriously though, thanks for doing this." _Thank you for being so good about the "Kaidan" issue. Thank you for letting me die again. Thank you for letting your team die again. Thank you for almost dying while killing the Collectors. Thank you for letting me go to Aratoht alone. Thank you for letting me try to make it right in the end. Thank you for being with me through it._

He tries to smile reassuringly, but the gesture seems a little hollow. His mind is clearly in the future, dreading the day she'll die. No doubt the day she gets spaced, he'll be sitting ramrod straight at his desk in C-Sec, waiting to be told what he already knows so he can grieve again.

While she doesn't look forward to her part in this, she wouldn't want his either. She claps him on the shoulder a couple times before turning to find the rest of her armor. "You've got three years to find out what we did wrong and make it right, soldier."

"_Me_?" He was so stunned he nearly dropped the leg piece he'd been buckling.

She shrugged and hoped she looked nonchalant. "I've only got a couple months til I die. Again. Then it'll be two years before I can really do anything about it."

His face paled to an ashy blue. He looked like he was about to object again, but he swallowed his pride and just nodded. Thank god. She didn't know if she could handle doing this all again if Garrus wasn't with her.

It took her another minute or two to finish getting dressed. To put the mask of "Commander Shepard" back on. Garrus stood patiently by the door.

"What are you going to tell Wrex?"

Shepard popped on her helmet to help cover the embarrassment and her tousled hair. She'd forgotten about that damn krogan and his keen sense of smell... "I'll tell him to mind his own goddamn business."

Before they push open the door, he pulls her close and presses his forehead to hers. The contact is very brief, but they both know what it means.

"Until the Omega 4 Relay."


	2. Chapter 2

**Infinite Regress**

All that can be said is that it was harder for Garrus. A _lot_ harder.

Having never died and gone through resurrection before, he had no way of recognizing the changes going on around him. As he felt the fire of the dying Reaper consuming him, his only thought was of Shepard. It transcended the pain and fear. His absolute last thought, the only one that had any coherence, was to stay by her. She was his lifeline, grounding him in life and pulling him now towards death.

His death was the easiest part to understand. The fire ripping through him and his body becoming undone at its very seams. It was like the rocket on Omega, but the effect was more absolute. There would be no coming back from it. Not this time.

But then he was moving backwards, toppling over and through himself as he lived everything as it was. He let the images pass, though he felt that if he reached out and into these memories, he could settle himself into them. He was dizzy as the movement slowed, as his mind collected itself and came forward with a slight start back into his physical self.

It took time for him to understand the world around him, as it was so different from the reality he had expected. He had the distinct impression he'd been sitting at this desk for some time, staring blankly at the datapads and files. As he realized where he was, settled in a quiet nook of C-Sec at a desk he hadn't seen in years, the first thought that surfaced was a startled, _Am I in hell?_

A smaller part of his mind, one that was not at all surprised to be there, gave an annoyed, _No, but I can't imagine hell being much worse..._

For days, a week nearly, he went through the motions of being the Officer he used to be. Sleeping in a bed that didn't quite feel like his. Talking to people he could no longer call good friends. He longed for faces that weren't quite clear, though the feelings associated with them were strong. It was strange to be there, in a place and position he'd never wanted to go back to. A life he'd never missed or looked back on with wistful nostalgia. No part of him was satisfied with being here, but a younger part riled against it without knowing where he would rather be. Now the whispers of memories this older self-contained made all too clear what life _could _(_should_, part corrected) be like.

But it was all like a strange dream, one that was becoming more and more unclear as this new (old) life continued and stretched before him. It made more sense for it to be a dream, right? The longings of a bored C-Sec officer. There was nothing, no clue, that it could be true...

"Hey Garrus. How's the investigation going?"

He stared blankly at the familiar markings of another turian. _Chellick,_ the quiet part supplied.

"What?" he asked blankly.

"On Saren?"

"Saren!" he snarled automatically, then immediately reeled in his anger again. "What about him?" Part of him was surprised at the outburst, but equally amused at the terrible attempt to cover it up.

"The Executor said you were assigned to the case. My apologies if I was mistaken...?" He was clearly uncomfortable, uncertain of himself after his colleague's odd reaction to his attempt at smalltalk.

Saren. C-Sec. Invesigation. The words made sense but in a distant sort of way. The unease that kept his younger self tense was hard to give credit to. He knew how this story played out, and it didn't worry him to go through it again.

"Yes," was all he said. It was all he could safely say without another outburst.

"Well," Chellick said, uneasily shifting his weight, "I suggest you find a certain Commander Shepard."

His heart leapt at mention of her name and his chest tightened so that he could barely breath. He was so unable to react that the younger half took over. "Commander who?"

"Shepard. Some human woman with the Alliance. Spectre candidate, or so the rumor goes. She's made some accusations against him to the Council. Maybe she'd be able to help you out."

"I'll have to check into it, thanks." Chellick took the chance to excuse himself from the awkward conversation.

He still couldn't focus, most of his being focused on the face attached with that name, and just nodded a farewell. That face hadn't faded in the confusion of the past week. That face would never fade, so ingrained was every part of it in his mind. The younger Garrus was confused by the reaction. How could a human have this sort of effect on him?

The older one smiled slightly, hope surging through him. _You have no idea what you're getting into,_ he thought, but with a degree of desire and longing that undercut the warning.

* * *

><p>There she was. She was there - <em>right there<em> - looking as good as she always had. Better, because she was alive and _right in front of him_.

The younger half's resistance was all that kept him from grabbing her. _She's not _your_ Shepard_, he reasoned. His hesitation came from somewhere else, other apprehensions centering around her species and doubts about the future, but he knew his other self wouldn't care about that.

He watched her as closely as he dared, looking for anything - _anything_ - that would let him know if it was her. _His_ Shepard. The one he'd gone into hell with (for) more times than he could count. The one he'd died for. The only reason he could see to go through the next few years again.

But he couldn't know. Everything he saw made him want and hope, but nothing that could remove the doubt. He watched her walk away and wondered how many more times he'd have to do so before the end.

* * *

><p>She finds him in Doctor Michel's clinic. It's eerily familiar, all of it, and strangely soothing. If it's all going the way it already did, he'll get to be with her again. Eventually. And while he knows that this path ends in fire and failure and death, walking it with her makes it worthwhile.<p>

He hopes he sees excitement in her eyes as she sends Ashley back to the ship. And he hopes she doesn't see the intensity in his.

* * *

><p>She took him off guard in the bathroom, but hell, she was the only one who <em>could <em>catch him off guard like that. The brief amount of comfort they had taken in each other's arms was more than he'd dared hope for. It wasn't until later - much later - that he realized how much giving in had cost them. Or at least had cost him.

If she'd never broken character, never let him see that she was a much different Shepard than she was pretending to be, it'd be easier for him to keep pretending to be a different Garrus than he currently was. Maybe he could've convinced himself that other life had never been real... even if it did keep unfolding around him just as before. It'd be easier to be in Ashley Williams' presence if he didn't see his own discomfort mirrored in Shepard. Fire fights would be more bearable if he didn't notice her blush when he'd pull her under cover. Her lips would be easier to resist if he didn't know she'd welcome him...

And watching Kaidan Alenko flirt with her - again - might be a little more bearable if he could tell him to back the hell off.

He didn't dislike the Lieutenant (it's hard to have bad feelings towards the man you beat to get the girl). He was a good soldier, nice enough. Hadn't held it against him that he was a turian, either on the SR1 or later when his relationship with Shepard became common knowledge. But that didn't change the fact that he was hitting on his mate. His _mate._

It'd be one thing if Shepard didn't _know_. If she really was that woman who had fallen for Kaidan. But at best only half of her was. Half of her, at least half, belonged to _him_. That's what made it all so damned near _insufferable_. They _knew_ Alenko stood a snowflake's chance in hell. In the end.

The problem was he'd had a chance once upon a time. Not too far in the future, actually...

As he watched them by the lockers, he felt sick. He leaned against the Mako both for support and to stay out of sight. He didn't want her to see how much this bothered him. He was there for her. If she wanted things to be the same right now, fine. She was the one about to do the impossible. Again. About to die. Again. He'd let her decide when to break from the script. This was her show after all. Always had been.

But the way she was looking at Kaidan right now... There was a time she'd smile like that just for him...

_There'll be a time like that again,_ part of him whispered. The younger self was growing fainter and fainter, weighed down under Shepard's influence on the older self. But his awe of her was slowly binding them together. It was the one thing they shared, the one thing there was just enough of to make one full turian.

Garrus believed it for about a second until he heard her laugh. That laugh...

He wished to any god that would listen that it would stop. That they would just leave and let him think of them as being very far apart. He busied himself with loosening and then re-tightening the same bolt until they moved to leave. Watched her give Wrex a punch to the shoulder and a wave to Ashley. Thought he saw her shoot an apologetic look his way, but he looked away to avoid it.

The elevator doors closed and he finally allowed himself to turn back.

"You really going to let that guy look at her like that?"

"What?"

"Don't play dumb with me, turian. After she picked you up on the Citadel, you smelled like each other for a good week."

He scowled at Wrex before shooting a glance at Ashley. Luckily the young woman was too busy installing gun mods to pay attention to two of the resident aliens. Great. Just how he wanted to spend his shift. Ignoring accusations. What was next, lewd comments and dirty limericks?

"Mind your own business."

But Wrex just continued to look amused, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning back against the hull. "Just saying. Shepard might be human, but she's worth fighting for. You going to let a soft little guy like that take her from you?"

"Love advice from a krogan. Tell me I haven't sunk this low," he muttered before ducking out of sight. He really did _not_ want to be having this conversation with anyone, let alone Wrex.

Wrex's laughter didn't stop until Ashley told him to shut up.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:<strong>This was originally intended as a one shot, but I wanted to explore it some more. I'll probably take it until the Omega 4 Relay ish. For those of you who asked why they're trying to keep things so much the same, that's something I'll address from Shepard's POV in the next chapter.


	3. Chapter 3

**Infinite Regress**

Shepard found it all very tedious. The ship, the mission, the mundane conversations she'd had before. It's hard to pretend to be interested in gathering information you already know.

At night she'd sit back in her quarters and stare blankly at her desk. At the pictures of people she had literally not seen in years. Who couldn't compete with the ones she had yet to meet. And the medals for deeds that had made her great, but would not make her the legend she would later become. The letters she'd never answered the first time because she'd been too busy, because there'd always be time later once Saren was stopped. And then there _hadn't _been time...

During the day, she found herself relying more and more on that younger part of her. The one who knew whispers of the future but who still found all of this as new. This part of her was now always in the forefront, just listening to the older self's guidance, the gentle nudges towards where she should be. There were only two exceptions to this pattern, and their names were Kaidan and Garrus.

Around Kaidan, she would withdraw completely. The Shepard that would be gave way completely to the Sheaprd that was. Whatever old feelings she'd worked out for the Lieutenant easily clouded the ones that should currently be there. It was easier to let the younger flirt and fancy herself falling in love. In the end, it was simply too painful to actively participate in a relationship she knew to be doomed. Who wants to watch a train wreck when you're the one driving the train?

But Garrus had the opposite effect on her. Being near him drew her out, breathed meaning back into this charade of a third life. He was a constant reminder of her mission - her _true_ mission - and she kept him in mind as she scoured through her memories for what went wrong and when. They had little time together, at least compared to what they were accustomed to, and very little of it was spent alone. But it was enough for her to just know he was here on the ship with her. That it was _him,_ the same Garrus who had been by her side since she'd first picked him up on the Citadel, whether that be a few weeks or years ago. The one constant in all her lives.

Where Kaidan was the ice that numbed her pain, Garrus was the fire that kept her alive.

The younger self shied away at the intensity of the emotion. There were a lot of things to come that she just wasn't ready for, and Garrus Vakarian nearly topped that list.

* * *

><p>Therum. She had <em>not<em> enjoyed Therum. Too many Geth wasting too much of her damned time. And while Liara was worth the effort, the task was tedious at best. Never mind the headache she was going to get later trying to keep the asari from getting _too_ much out of her head...

She sighed deeply to center herself as she pulled on the last of her armor.

_Head in the game, Shepard. Can't afford to fuck things up because you're not all here._

Both parts found this amusing. Not all here? Hell, there was _too much_ of her here.

"You alright, Commander?" A bit of concern underneath the formality. She must have noticed the strangely out of place smirk...

"I'm fine, Williams. You ready?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Hey Garrus." He looked up at her automatically, the same curiosity in his eyes whenever they deviated even slightly from the original pattern. "You mind getting those grenades for me and Ashley? We'd get themselves, but I'm pretty sure you the only one here with the _reach_."

She had to bite her lip to keep from laughing at his startled expression.

* * *

><p>In the end, it turned out it wasn't too difficult to keep Liara out. Instead of resisting her prodding, Shepard merely threw every piece of information from the beacon at her. She could feel Liara resisting the onslaught, almost drowning under the sheer weight of it instead of struggling to pry it out of a resisting mind. Guilt at overburdening her made her ease up just before the connection broke.<p>

Liara had reacted much as she had the last time. Overwhelmed and fascinated all at once. But as she'd walked out, she'd turned to give Garrus an appraising look. When she saw Shepard watching her, she had quickly turned away.

It had seemed innocent enough. It could easily have happened the first time through, and she'd merely not noticed. But that night Shepard couldn't sleep. She lay awake in her bed staring at the ceiling and wishing she had something stronger than cough syrup in her desk. Just what the hell had Liara seen?

It terrified her deeply to make these small changes, especially so early on. Although she had no way of knowing, her gut told her whatever her mistake had been, it had not been in this life. No, there was no possible way of having a better outcome with Saren and Sovereign. Acting too early could mean giving them the chance to get away. Too late and... Well, she couldn't quite entertain that thought.

The changes that had occurred so far were small, but her fear was very real. She had no way of knowing what shape these changes would take, how over time these small little edits would add up into something galaxy changing. She didn't so much worry for herself, and at the distance of several years, found it hard to maintain an intense worry for the galaxy. All her anxiety rested on Garrus. On Omega, some two years from now. When he had barely survived the first time...

If she changed something, maybe she could make it better for him. Less risky, less painful.

Or, she could change that little bit that would lead to him bleeding out in her arms.

* * *

><p>She thought about leaving Liara behind this time. No one should see their parent die. But they deserved this final meeting. Liara deserved to see firsthand that her mother had tried to keep her mind safe from Sovereign. To know that part was still her mother.<p>

Right?

Even as they moved through the labs on Noveria, she questioned this choice. Wondered if it had been a good idea after all. It had made sense the first time when she'd wanted Liara as leverage. Now she wasn't sure if the young woman needed this additional burden. But if Shepard had been in her shoes and had been given the choice, yes she'd want to be there.

But was that why she made the choice? Maybe she thought seeing Benezia die was what helped turn Liara into the woman who'd rescue her body and ultimately become the Shadow Broker. Was she doing this for Liara, or herself?

Back and forth, back and forth, she couldn't understand her motives. And as always, when in doubt, she let the original timeline guide her. She was sure of that much at least.

With Liara and Garrus on her heels, she listened as the system's VI told her about the problems she already knew how to fix, she nodded and kept re-thinking if she'd done the right thing by Liara.

"Logging you out." Such a simple phrase…

Both she and Garrus had started slightly at hearing it, and neither quite able to hide it.

"Er... right. Let's get to it then," she said awkwardly. As she turned her back on the VI station, she swore at herself and felt a lump in her throat…

* * *

><p>Again she wavered, looking at the Rachni queen. She'd saved her before. The last time. She'd been unsure of it, too, but had found the idea of genocide left a sour taste in her mouth. So she'd opted for mercy and trust. But it'd caused her problems, near the end. This is something that might be worth changing.<p>

So stick with the timeline, or make a move now?

Maybe it shouldn't just be the timeline that guided her. Maybe it should be what was _right_. As much as she wanted, _needed_ to stop the Reapers, it didn't seem right to sacrifice her soul to do it.

The ends couldn't justify the means.

She pushed the button and released her again, this time fully aware of what the consequences would be.

* * *

><p>This last mission had been awkward.<p>

She'd taken Kaidan and Garrus, like she had the first time and she'd seen no reason to switch the line-up this time. It was hard enough being around just one of them, but being around both at the same time was difficult. It was when she felt the most disjointed, felt herself pulled in two opposite directions each with a vastly different effect on her. Really, it was the only time it felt like there were actually two people living in one body.

It didn't help that Kaidan always managed to sneak in a compliment or would brush her hair out of her eyes. She didn't mind for herself - there were worse things than being flirted with by a nice guy, even if you weren't interested - but there was a very agitated turian closely watching every move they made. Shepard felt exhausted by the time they got back. Smiling sheepishly at Kaidan and apologetically at Garrus.

The worst part was she didn't know how long she could keep this up. Running into a maze of bullets and mercs, no problem. Ignoring the painful feeling in her chest whenever Kaidan got too close... Well, it was getting harder each day.

It made her queasy to think just how much closer she'd have to let him get.

She slammed her locker shut with undue force as she nodded at Kaidan with a forced smile. As they walked towards the elevator doors, she could feel Garrus' eyes boring into her back. When she turned around to mouth a "I'm sorry" she saw he had already looked away.

* * *

><p>Shepard took a deep breath before charging full speed around the corner. She know, oh boy did she know, what was around that corner. But when in doubt, she sticks to auto-pilot and follows the trodden path.<p>

The rocket hits her square in the chest and hurls her into a nearby column. It hurts as much as she knew it would and she thinks she's coughing up blood (knows it from the last time) as her vision blurs.

She regains consciousness with an enormously loud intake of breath. Her eyes are confused as she looks around frantically, trying to piece together where she is. Garrus is almost immediately at her side, holding her steady as she tries to sit up. She grasps weakly at his arm as her scrambled mind grasps for what's happening. An urgency she hasn't felt in some time overpowers her senses.

"Rannoch!" she shouts. "Get *cough* need to get to *cough* to Rannoch!"

Garrus freezes and she doesn't know why. Even through their armor she feels his grasp tighten and his body go stiff. "Shepard," he rumbles lowly. Upset? Scolding her? Warning her?

"Rannoch?" Shepard head snaps at the unexpected voice. "Keelah, Shepard, why are you talking about Rannoch?"

She knows she's staring at Tali but she just doesn't understand. Can't put two and two together even though she knows it must be painfully obvious. Tali wasn't there when they-

And then her mind shifts backwards. Back to Feros and ExoGeni and the Geth but they're the wrong geth they're-

"Heretics," she mutters as Garrus pulls her to her feet.

"What?"

"Nothing, Tali, I'm fine. Just must've hit my head harder than I thought. Lost a few brain cells or something."

"Shepard-"

"It's fine, Tali. I'm fine. Let's get moving."

She doesn't want to drop it, and Shepard can't blame her, but she does what she's told.

* * *

><p>Things keep moving forward like they should. So far nothing's changed, nothing big, and Shepard wonders if the small things they've done will matter. She's not worried about the long term yet - she knows they haven't done anything to make <em>that<em> better - but as she falls asleep each night she just prays she hasn't fucked up beating Saren. If they can't get past that, the attack on Earth doesn't much matter...

They're all stressed, the entire crew, but she feels wound up like a top. At any moment she might let go and lose it - just friggin' lose it - and not be able to keep going under this pressure. This is just too much for one person to have to bare...

_But there's two of you._

They're not sure which one of them said it, if it was the younger or the older one. But the both know who they mean. Both know he's only a floor away...

With a sigh, she heads to the elevator. She's due to see him anyway. With Saleon dead, she owes him one of their "talks."

She's not bothered by talking to him. Not at all. She'd spend all day with him if she could work out the timeline issues with doing so. But she remembers this talk. She could've quoted it word for word without a second thought. And she knows damn well that during this talk, they'd been the only ones in the cargo bay.

Everyone else was in the mess. Even the first time through, she'd noticed because she'd felt the intimacy behind their conversation. How much it had meant to Garrus and how much it had meant to her to help him.

Being alone with Garrus in and of itself wasn't dangerous. Her low level of self-control right now was..

And then she gets there and it's even worse than she'd imagined. It's a good thing she's already said these words before, because she isn't paying attention now. All she can see is how close he is. How he keeps shifting forwards, into her space until her back's against the Mako. His arms end up pressed against it, effectively trapping her, but it's then that she notices her hands have moved to his shoulders...

They've stopped talking now, whatever they were supposed to say forgotten in lieu of everything they wished they could say.

Before either can acknowledge the decision, his forehead his pressed against hers as she kisses him hungrily.

"Shepard," he moans, pulling her tightly against him. Her legs come up, automatically locking around his waist as she continues devouring him. "Shepard, please..." but he's lifted her so she's seated on the hood of the Mako. "I won't be able to stop this," he warns, pulling away but only so he can nip at her neck.

"It's too bad that I don't want you to stop then." Her head falls to the side and she whimpers slightly as he takes advantage of the extra access.

Their armor's in the way but it doesn't occur to them to remove it. She's flush against him, feels him starting to press more into her. She bites her lips to keep from inviting him back to her quarters, the words so close to tumbling out-

"C- Commander?" comes the unsteady voice from the elevator.

Shepard freezes and instinctively pushes Garrus until he's arm's length away. As if in slow motion, they both lock eyes with the stunned look on Ashley Williams' face.

"Yes, Chief?"

"Am I... Am I interrupting something?"

"No," she says while giving Garrus a warning look and sliding off the hood. "Garrus and I were just... discussing the upgrades he plans on making to the Mako. Weren't we?" He doesn't respond at first and she nudges him with her elbow. He merely nods, shooting daggers at the young woman.

Shepard gives Ashley a look she knows the Gunnery officer will know - chin up, shoulders straight, tall and proud. Everything about her says, _I fucking _dare_ you to say we were doing otherwise._

A long silence drags out between the three of them. Eventually Ashley draws in a breath. "Whatever you say, Skipper." She pointedly avoids looking at either of them as she heads over to her station.


	4. Chapter 4

**AN:** I'm (sorta) back! I do plan on pushing on with this story into ME3. Which means, as of this point forward, there will be references if not flat out spoilers for ME3. So if you haven't played, go play. I'll wait. Promise.

Also, huge thank you to any and all of you who nominated/voted this story on the kink meme for the People's Choice Awards. I know I'm having fun with this story, but it's nice to know other people enjoy it too. With that said, thanks again and enjoy.

* * *

><p><strong>Infinite Regress<strong>

That kiss had been a mistake.

Because now they both knew how far they were willing to go if given the chance. If either of them tried to test the other's willpower... well, now they knew how it would turn out. And from the looks Garrus had been giving her lately, that was a dangerous thing for him to know.

* * *

><p>Ashley gave her the cold shoulder for a while. It made things difficult. It was hard enough forcing her way through the timeline when everyone was willing to go along (whether they knew it or not), but with Ashley resisting it was that much worse.<p>

They needed to have a talk. But how to you start a conversation that's going to turn into an argument with a woman you're days away from sending to her death? Days passed and she couldn't find a way to brooch the subject. She just wanted it to desperately disappear within the cracks of this new/old path. One more thing she just couldn't deal with. But Shepard couldn't let her die on Virmire with this still hanging between them.

As luck would have it, Ashley took it upon herself to bring it up.

"I don't think the LT would appreciate you canoodling with Garrus." The indignity in her voice somehow filled the empty cargo bay.

Shepard froze midway through reassembling her rifle. It was just the two of them. No reason for this not to turn into a shouting match if they let it. Slowly, very slowly, she allowed a clipped, "No, he would not." But it wasn't the Alenko a floor up she was thinking about. No, it was an Alenko at a hospital looking heartbroken and pathetic with a Shepard not sure what to say to make it better. _No,_ she thinks, _he did not._

She turned to face the younger woman. They weren't children. This wasn't some middle school drama session. She wasn't going to let this taint what little time they had left. "Look, Ash, if this is going to be a problem-"

But Ashley put up a hand to stop her. She took a deep breath and let it out before starting. "Look, I get it. We all have our vices. I'm no different, and I guess I shouldn't be surprised you have them too." Some of the venom was gone, but she couldn't quite keep the waver out of her voice. "It was just, you know... a shock."

"I understand that. It was... unprofessional of me to allow that to happen and to allow you to be put in such a position. It won't happen again." She offered her hand, holding her breath as Ashley stared at it.

"Thanks, Skipper."

They shook and smiled slightly. That awkward sort of smile that seems to pass in situations like this. They both had more to say. Ashley no doubt wanting to make it clear she needed to choose between them. Shepard wanting the chance to explain she _had_ chosen, over a year ago. But the timing wasn't right. They were two women, friends, sisters in arms, looking at each other across a distance that was too many years and experiences apart.

As Shepard walked to the elevator, she wondered if she'd get the chance to explain herself there in the midst of the Normandy's death above Alchera...

* * *

><p>Garrus wasn't one to do nothing. He'd raised such a fuss about Saren at C-Sec, done the same about the Mercs on Omega and the Reapers on Palaven. This whole "wait and see" approach Shepard was using went against his better judgment. But hell, this was Shepard's party. He'd always just been along for the ride. Didn't make him feel much better about it.<p>

They could be _doing_ something. Something besides playing the same games they'd played before. Obviously they'd had the wrong strategy the first time around if this is where it got them. This was a second chance. They didn't need to be wasting their time pretending not to know Saren's plan. They should be at Ilos. Shepard didn't need to die above Alchera. He didn't need to lose her again. They didn't need to do that song and dance with Cerberus. They could just go after the Collectors themselves-

But no, they couldn't. Half of what Shepard was able to do was because of the reputation she'd built. Because of how she'd beaten Saren - in an attack on the Citadel when she'd saved the Council. Doing anything less spectacular meant her name had less weight. And it might be great to say, yeah, let's do this without Cerberus, but could they really? This ship wasn't up to the Omega 4 Relay. Hell, the Alliance hadn't seen fit to get involved the last time. Why would they this time? And how many times had he seen Shepard almost die in front of him? The bullets, the blows, the falls... Humans were fragile things. Without whatever they did to her, she'd be broken a dozen times over before she could get close to the end.

They'd barely made it the last time. _She'd_ barely made it. That jump...

And Earth. There was always Earth. He'd marveled at her escape the last time. If it was all the same, she could do it again. If it was too different, maybe she wouldn't make it off the planet... Hell, maybe she'd never come back from Aratoht...

But that was selfish, wasn't it? To make galaxy-shaping decisions based on whether or not one human would survive?

Then he remembers the first time she told him she loved him. The look in her eyes, the stupid thought that he might actually get to keep her growing into something real. A hope he's never quite been able to shake since then. His heart flutters, and he doesn't care if it's selfish.

Back and forth, pacing behind the Mako. Back and forth, arguing with himself. Yes, they were doing the right thing. No, they could be doing more. Yes, they had the right goals. No, they were being selfish. Yes, they could do it this way. No, they needed help. Yes. No. He felt every wasted second tick past with each thought, each footstep, each heartbeat.

Eventually he just sighed and gave up his pacing. It was pointless. Shepard had made the call, he'd decided to go with it. All he could really do is try to figure out where it went wrong.

He went back to his terminal and started sifting through the notes he'd taken so far. Garrus wasn't so careless as to leave notes of things-to-be, whether on the ship's systems or even his own omni-tool. No. These notes were things that had already happened. Proof of what Saren was really doing. Proof that the Reapers were more than just something Shepard had imagined.

Maybe this time he'd have enough evidence to at least convince his own father to believe him.

* * *

><p>Garrus stood at his console, mindlessly going through a diagnostic of the Mako. A diagnostic he'd run (and re-run) too many times for him to actually care anymore. But it gave him something to do, kept him rooted to the spot he was <em>supposed<em> to be in. Repeating things he'd _already_ done. While he still might not be sure _how_ it was that he found himself on the SR-1 again, he'd accepted the fact that he was, for better or worse, stuck here re-living this nightmare.

For the first time in a long time, though, something just didn't sit right with him.

High stress missions weren't anything new. Hell, his whole life had been a high stress mission since the moment he'd first met Shepard. And frankly, he didn't mind. Sure, it'd be nice if the stakes weren't so high, but after nearly four years this really was just the way things were. He was half certain his heart would just give out once they finally did destroy the Reapers and the adrenaline rush he'd been riding finally wore off.

But this was different. It wasn't stress or apprehension or uncertainty that made him shift uncomfortably in front of his console. It wasn't even the eerily familiarity of it all as he watched his life unfold through two sets of eyes, one knowing and one genuinely curious to see if it was all true. It was just... unease. Something was off. Not so much in the timeline - they were "on schedule," whatever good that was doing them - but there was definitely this nagging suspicion in the back of his mind that they were neglecting something.

The elevator opened with its gentle _whoosh,_ completely dispelling the feeling before he could get it pinned down. With a frustrated sigh, he turned absentmindedly to see who'd come down to the bowels of the ship.

Just Ashley Williams, giving a quick nod to Wrex as he made his way to crew quarters before she head over to her station. He sighed slightly as he turned away. He'd known better than to think it was Shepard. No, it just happened to be the poor crewman who'd walked in on-

Wait.

He did a double take, neck snapping as he laid eyes on the gunnery chief, gears turning in his head as the realization hit him.

Shepard wouldn't like it. She'd made her opinion on changing things abundantly clear, and despite earlier... allowances to the contrary, she was determined to keep them on track until... well, at least until Omega. After that, all bets were off. Whatever they might have agreed on thus far, he didn't think it'd be possible to see her walk that bridge again and not take her into his arms at the end of it.

For the most part they'd been true to their word. But they hadn't planned on Ashley walking in on them. Hadn't planned on a lot of things, really. No, Shepard hadn't thought about how to deal with this. Maybe hadn't even realized the implications. Hadn't connected the dots all the way to Virmire...

Before he could overthink it, before his good sense could override the impulse, he found himself striding over to Ashley's nook of the cargo hold. As he approached, he like he walked through a barrier. Almost as though there was a palpable threshold of the original timeline he was moving outside of.

"Williams."

She tensed slightly, back rigid and fingers briefly pausing in their work as they calibrated a new gun. Looking just over her shoulder, she gave him a once over and a stiff, "Vakarian."

It was then that Garrus realized he didn't know quite what he was doing. He'd never known Ashley that well. Yes, they'd gone on missions together. Talked. Played poker once or twice. Shared that comradery all of Shepard's crew had. But... that was all back in a time when he hadn't been as familiar with humans. Didn't understand their expressions, found it harder to catch onto their behavior clues. Which meant, simply put, he didn't know this woman very well. Not nearly well enough to be having this conversation with her. Shepard should really be doing it.

_Shepard's got enough to worry about._

Garrus' mouth was uncomfortably dry. "Can I... can we talk?"

"Can it wait a minute? I'm in the middle of some-"

"_Seriously?_" he all but shouted. If one more person said a damn thing about _calibrations, _he was going to-

She looked downright shocked and he felt the shock echoed in the younger part of himself. Garrus took a deep breath as he realized that no, Ashley was _not_ making fun of him. She in fact had _no idea _what he was talking about. "Sorry," he managed, though his voice did sound a bit strangled. He shifted uncomfortably. "I just think we need to talk about... you know, the other day..."

Ashley sighed dramatically - something he'd seen Shepard and other humans do a number of times before doing something they _really_ didn't want to do - and put as she turned to face him. "Look, Shepard's a big girl. I'm sure she knows what she's getting herself into. You don't have to say anything to me about it. It's not my business. And you don't have to worry about me blabbing to anyone else about it, even though I'm sure the LT... even though I'm sure there are _some_ interested parties who would like to know." She seemed to think about it a moment before lowering her voice and adding, "Just don't break the Commander's heart or I swear I'll tear your turian ass a new one."

He couldn't help it. He chuckled slightly at the idea that he would in any way shape or form do something to actually _hurt_ Shepard. Hell, the last time he'd been threatened along these lines was by Wrex, and although he was sure the threat was real, it had been meant as a joke.

Williams cheeks flushed a bright red, probably annoyed that he found the idea of either breaking Shepard's heart or Ashley beating him up amusing. Her eyes narrowed dangerously and he was reminded of how... intimidating certain human females could be. And dangerous. Did he mention dangerous? "And what exactly is so funny?"

"You don't have to worry about that," he said, putting his hands up in surrender. "I promise."

"Didn't really answer my question."

Great. Less than a minute into what was undoubtedly going to be long conversation (or from the looks of it, a very very short one) and he'd already made her angry. "I uh, think we need to talk. About... more than just Shepard and me. I mean, that's a part of it, but there's a lot more that... you should know." Spirits, he sounded like a moron.

She leaned against the work station and crossed her hands in front of her chest. "I'm listening."

So he told her. Everything. Started from that day and just kept going forward. The words poured out of him and just wouldn't stop. Some parts were harder to tell. He skipped over most of his time on Omega. Did Kaidan a favor and skipped over parts of Horizon. Went past the Collectors, past Earth, past Rannoch and Thessia until he had come back full circle to that moment right there, Version 2.0.

They were silent for a while after that. Ashley's expression was unreadable as she appraised him, considered the story he'd told her. The damn near impossible story that Garrus couldn't believe half the time except that he'd _been_ there and _seen_ it.

All in all, she took it rather well.

"Shit." Actually, she said something much _worse_, but the translator glitzed and he just supplied an appropriate expletive.

"You believe me?" His voice was somewhere between relief and shock. Honestly, he wondered at the sanity of anyone

"You can't make this shit up," she said simply.

"I... I need to think about this."

Garrus just nodded. "Take your time."

She snorted, a thoroughly human gesture of indignation. "Yeah right. It looks like time's something I don't got a lot of."

* * *

><p>Everyone seemed to avoid each other after that. Shepard was still avoiding Garrus, though she would unlikely ever admit to doing so. Garrus was forcing his way through the old conversations (or as many of them as he could stand). And now on top of that Ashley was avoiding... pretty much everyone. She would just quietly go about her work, occasionally making her way to an observation port to stare at the stars.<p>

It'd gotten to the point where Garrus was so used to spending time alone that he nearly jumped out of his plates when he heard her.

"Why'd you tell me?"

Garrus ducked out from under the Mako to see Ashley Williams standing awkwardly on the other side. He'd been waiting for that question. Still didn't have a half decent answer, but this was as good a time as any to come up with one. He looked her square in the eye, trying to say as much through that look as he could, and simply said, "Because you deserve to know."

"Why just me, though? You don't think there's stuff in there that maybe Wrex or Liara or Tali might want to know?" Neither acknowledged that she had skipped over Kaidan. "What makes me special enough to include?"

He was pretty sure she already knew why. Why she wanted to hear it from him, he couldn't understand. "Exclusive club. Only those who die trying to complete this mission allowed. Just you, me, and Shepard."

She jumped on top of the hood and scouted over to him, though careful to avoid the spot where she'd caught Garrus and Shepard - what was the human term? - making out. "That the best you got, Vakarian?"

He sighed when his attempt at lightening the mood failed. "I'm not sure how else to say it. You deserve to know what you're dying for, big picture." He really was terrible at this sort of thing. These sorts of one-to-one's were Shepard's forte, not his. But this was a responsibility he took on when he'd decided to tell her. "I wanted you to know, when the call was made, that it was hopefully going to be worth it in the end. That it wasn't like... wasn't like Shepard was trying to get _rid_ of you because of what you saw, or that she valued you _less_ as a soldier than Alenko."

Garrus braced himself against the Mako with both hands. It was easier to face the metal door than her while he got this out. "That even though Shepard might be about to do it again, it's not as though she's made the decision lightly. Spirits, it tore her apart the first time." Memories of her devastation after Virmire flashed before him, only to be followed by more recent wounds. Grunt. Mordin. Thane. Legion. Anderson. Earth... "She always takes this stuff pretty hard. But in the end, she always makes those sacrifices count."

When he finally looked back at her, she was staring at the bulkhead expressionlessly. She had an almost serene look. Her eyes were big and glossy, and if Garrus didn't know better, he'd think she was about to cry. "This Reaper thing is pretty big, isn't it?" He didn't have to answer. "Lots of people are going to die either way. Guess it'd be okay to go out a hero." She blinked a couple times before turning to meet his gaze. "You just damn well better make it worth it."

He didn't even hesitate. "I promise."

"Why didn't Shep tell me?"

"She... doesn't know you know."

"You mean you didn't talk to her first?" Ashley asked incredulously. Apparently even this far back it was clear he usually followed Shepard's lead.

"She's got a lot on her plate right now."

A small laugh and a punch to his shoulder. "Who knew you'd grow enough of a quad to go behind her back with something like this."

His chest rumbled slightly as a half laugh, half growl. "Yeah, all it took was the end of the world. If it ends a second time, maybe we'll come back and _I'll_ get to be the hero."

"Fat chance, Vakarian."

"Well, maybe the third or fourth time around then," he drawled out before becoming serious again. "Don't tell her I told you."

"Aaand there it is. Knew she'd have you whipped."

"I'm... not even sure what that means."

"Don't worry about it." She jumped off the Mako. "I won't tell her. Shepard doesn't need to add me freaking out to her list of things that could go wrong."

* * *

><p>Shepard did notice that something was different between Ashley and Garrus. As she found her younger self drifting more and more to Kaidan, she found her gunner officer and favorite turian spending more time together. At first she ignored it. Maybe she just hadn't noticed the two were chummy the first time around. Her interest <em>had <em>been... focused elsewhere.

It was odd the first time she heard him shout "Ash!" on the battlefield. He was just trying to tell her to duck, and it shouldn't have meant anything. Except that Garrus had never used the nickname, at least not that Shepard could remember.

Two nights later at dinner, Ashley _specifically_ sought him out. They sat together, speaking low over their food in the corner of the mess. That was just downright strange.

And then she'd gotten a report from Hackett about what would turn about to be a Cerberus lab. When the call came in, she'd unconsciously turned to give Garrus a knowing look, only to see him and Ashley looking at each other apprehensively. He turned to look at her a moment later, but that same guarded look he'd been giving her the last few weeks was back.

What was worse though was when she went down to talk to Ashley about her sisters a little after clearing out that base. Again, there were the two of them spending time together like they were the best of friends. Wrex didn't even seem to give a shit, meaning by now this was routine. She'd gone up, did a fine job of keeping her nerves from shaking her steps, but they noticed her and immediately shut up. Garrus had made an excuse to go back to his station, giving Ashley what must have been a warning look before leaving.

What. The. Fuck.


	5. Chapter 5

**Infinite Regress**

Ashley has become as isolated from the rest of the crew as he and Shepard have. There but not there. Going day by day through the mission, but mind and soul occupied with events still beyond the horizon.

Garrus nearly jumps one day when she loudly drops her tray in front of his and takes a seat across from him. She straddles the bench, back against a wall and eyes on the crowd, as she pops open her drink and takes a swig. He's still staring at her, frozen with his dextro rations about to fall off his fork just trying to figure out _what the hell_ Ashley Williams is doing at his table, when she finally turns to face him. "You left a lot of shit out, didn't you?"

"... What?"

Her voices becomes conspiratorial as she leans in. "C'mon, Vakarian, gimme the goods. You just gave me the mission briefing. Now I want the gossip."

While it's true he had given her... a very bullet pointed version of what was to come, he hadn't actually planned on fleshing out the details.

"Uh..." He looks around uneasily. No one seems to think anything of it to see the two of them chumming it up during lunch. He briefly catches Shepard's eye, notices the confused look she's giving him, and that's enough to make him lower his voice to match Ashley's. "It's almost four years of information. It might be easier if you... narrowed down what you wanted to know."

"The asari-" she manages between bites of something that's called 'meatloaf' (and it looks as truly unappetizing as it sounds). "She still as socially awkward as she is now?"

"Liara?" he drawls, leaning back and resuming his own meal. He gives her a quick glance, sitting at another table and chatting with the good doctor Chakwas. His mind flutters over a dozen memories of her - at the funeral, on Ilium, as the Shadow Broker, on the SR2 - and he shakes his head before answering, "Yeah, sometimes. Much better though."

"Huh." Another bite of what may have one time actually _been_ meat. She points her fork towards the cockpit. "Joker still a perv?"

"The whole future laid out before you and _that's_ the most creative you can get with your questions? I'm disappointed, Williams. You should at least be asking if he grew a third eye or made out with a rachni or something."

She grins. "Working up to it, geez. So I'm guessing that's a yes to the last one?"

"Well, he is dating what James lovingly referred to as a 'glorified sexbot.' Lucky for him he said it off ship or EDI might have taken offense and cut off life support to the cargo hold."

"Didn't know sexbots took offense."

"Sexbots, no. Unshackled AI, sometimes."

She shook her head, eyes slightly wide. "Shepard sure knows how to play fast and loose, doesn't she? Still can't believe it... Letting an AI around like that."

"_That's_ the part you find difficult to believe? Not the giant space monsters trying to harvest all advanced life? Not the time traveling into a previous version of yourself? Because really, in comparison, EDI doesn't seem that strange."

"Touché," she grumbles. "Okay, Liara's still awkward. Joker finally managed to get a girlfriend, even if she IS a robot. Anything on the Wrex or Tali front?"

"I think I already mentioned the big stuff. Tali's an admiral, Wrex is pretty much king of Tuchanka. And yes, it is going to his head."

Mercifully, she didn't pry about the genophage at that moment. "Yeah, I can see how that would. Man, the world's a lot different than I would've thought. Only three years out from here and all that shit goes down?"

"The Reapers tend to... throw the usual progression of things out the window."

Ashley stared at her food, twirling the fork in her hand as she tried to dance around what she wanted to ask next. "What about the Commander and the LT?" The currently happy almost couple is laughing at some story Pressly's just told them. No cracks in the facade to show it wouldn't last. Not yet, anyway. "You uh... you get between them or something?"

When Garrus had told Ashley about things to come, he had never... explicitly said that he and Shepard were together. It might have been implied by the undertones of the story, and of course by what Ashley had already seen herself, but he felt uncomfortable voicing it here and now. Like saying it would somehow jinx the possibility of it coming to fruition again. It was an ache he kept close to his heart. But she knew. Of course she knew. Anyone with eyes and ears had figured it out on the SR2 long before the Omega 4 Relay.

"There wasn't much for me to come between by then."

"Whose ass should I be kicking about that?" She shot a quick glare at the aforementioned pair before backtracking and hastily adding, "Not that you two wouldn't be good together too, it's just... I figured they had a good thing going and once the mission blew over..." She coughed awkwardly before deciding that stuffing her face with another mouthful was probably the best way to avoid saying anything equally stupid.

"No apology necessary. I don't think anyone on _this_ ship would have seen it coming. I sure as hell didn't. Didn't really see it coming on the other ship either, but I had the excuse of missing half my face." Ashley gave him a questioning look. Right. The rocket. He hadn't mentioned the rocket. His mandibles twitched slightly before moving on. "It's not really my place to say. It's really something you'd have to ask her about. She never really talked about it to anyone. I only know what I know because I was actually _on_ Horizon. Made me pretty popular with Tali for a while since I'm the only one who would talk about it. Miranda's not really much of a gossip." He hadn't realized he'd been blabbering until he saw the blank expression Ashley was giving him. "Short answer, I have no idea."

They were quiet for a moment, each picking at what passed for food on a starship (though the levo equivalent was at least in recognizable shapes - Garrus had no idea what this stuff was _supposed_ to be other than solidified paste). Ashley won the unspoken eating contest, most of her food forced down. She stood up to leave but hesitated. Apparently making a decision, she leaned over and put a hand over his. He jumped slightly at the unexpected contact, but looked up.

"Look. I don't like getting involved with this sort of thing, but it seems like you guys are just going to fuck it up on your own. You should fight for her. There's no reason you gotta let all three of you get hurt by this bullshit when you can fix it."

For a moment he was too startled to say anything. He swallows a lump in his throat before answering. "Shepard doesn't want to change the timeline yet..."

She shrugged. "So? Haven't you already by telling me? And whatever it was I saw in the hangar a few weeks ago was - and of course I'm just guessing - _not_ part of the plan. What does it matter if you change this too? I don't think whether or not the Commander and LT get together is going to be pivotal in the salvation of the galaxy." She pointed a finger at Garrus' chest almost accusingly as she walked away, shouting, "Think about it!"

And damn her, now that's all he _could_ think about.

* * *

><p>It kept going like that. Shepard's time was usually occupied with... well, being Commander Shepard. And Garrus could only stand to repair the Mako so many times before wanting to shoot himself in the foot. Without any other way to occupy his time, he found himself drifting more and more to Ashley William's station. While a conversation might start out about the last mission, or the next FTL jump, or speculation about crew members, it always gravitated back to the future.<p>

Ashley was relentless with her questions. And, no surprise to Garrus, she was quite vocal with her opinions on pretty much _everything._

"Tali and Kal should've totally hooked up."

"I can totally see why Shepard punched that admiral. Ass."

"Udina that son of a ::two solid minutes of censored expletives::."

"Cerberus? Geth? AI? Rachni? You guys have the _weirdest_ taste in allies."

"I'd 've torn Alenko a new one myself if I'd been on Horizon."

"A thresher maw? An honest to god _thresher maw_! Okay, that's just about the most awesome thing I've ever heard."

"God damn Alliance bullshit, keeping her locked up that long. I would've organized a prison break within the first week."

They were halfway through one of their talks - this one on what Garrus liked to think of as the "Quarian Return Home" but that Shepard would have probably called the "Tragedy of Legion" - when the sound of the elevator doors opening and the even step of Shepard approaching forced Ashley's lively comments to a quiet hush.

Garrus still hadn't quite figured out how to tell Shepard he'd decided to... set things in motion along a different path. He wasn't sure where this new timeline was headed, and honestly had no idea what other changes he planned to make, but telling Ashley now felt like the first rock falling that leads to an avalanche.

And yes, Garrus was a little afraid of how Shepard would react to this. After everything she'd done to try and keep things the same so far... He quite frankly didn't know how she'd react to this kind of insubordination.

Here he was, talking to Ashley about things that hadn't been/might never be, and the last thing he wanted to do right now was fess up to it. "Not a word," he hissed at the gunnery chief as he walked back to his own station.

He nodded dutifully to Shepard, mentally making the switch from lover to CO, and walked past. They bumped shoulders, whether on purpose or not he couldn't tell, but a spark of electricity shot through them at the contact. He tried not to let it show.

* * *

><p>"Something wrong, Shepard?"<p>

She blinked a couple times as she stared blankly at the asari in front of her. "What?" _Shit, what were we talking about?_

_How beautiful Thessia is this time of year,_ that young part of herself whispered, as if cuing an actor who missed a line. This part of herself was getting smaller and smaller, weighed down by years of deeds and missions and worries that honestly would be more easily born by the two of them together. But they just weren't her burdens quite yet.

"I was asking if you had ever been to Thessia, Commander."

Unbidden, the image of Thessia burning comes to mind. And it does take both of them to squash that memory back down into the depths where it belongs. Or at least, where it belongs for another few years.

"No, can't say that I have."

The two go back to eating, Shepard's eyes continually drifting to a pair on the other side of the Mess. A pair talking a mile a minute in low voices. A pair that have been pulling away from her, whether they know it or not, and she can't bear how much she's missing them. A friend already lost once and a man whose loss she's ashamed to admit would break her.

Liara shifts slightly to follow her line of sight. "You seem awfully interested in Ashley and Garrus' conversation."

"Just surprised to see the two of them getting along so well," she says automatically.

There's a heavy silence for a moment as Liara stares at her hands. Finally, she apparently reaches a decision and sighs deeply. "Are you sure that's all?"

Shepard slowly chews the food in her mouth and swallows, carefully looking at Liara. "I'm not sure what else there would be."

She can almost feel Liara's gaze penetrating the wall she's tried to build between herself and this new/old crew. The two women stare at each other, trying to divine the other's intentions. It reminds Shepard of that dance that always precedes a spare as the two opponents prepare to square off. Too late she realizes Liara's already sized her up and figured out her out.

"I thought perhaps it had something to do with Garrus... investing so much time in another female."

The blow is well placed. All of the jealousy and self-doubt come to the surface before the comment even properly registers. "I... I..." she flounders for a moment before the younger self steps in. The part of herself with no invested interest in who Garrus Vakarian spends his free time with. She chuckles slightly, her body relaxing as a younger woman takes life, "Liara, I think you're overreaching here. Honestly, if those two want to hang out, that's a good thing. God knows Ashley needs to spend more time with the alien crew and it wouldn't hurt Garrus to spend time with someone or something other than the Mako."

Shepard's nonchalance obviously throws Liara. Any traces of the future Shadow Broker disappear and instead it's the young, unsure archaeologist who's there sitting in front of Shepard. It seems like that's that, but Liara continues, albeit with a little more hesitation, "Shepard... I know what I saw when I tried to find out about the beacon."

"... I'm not sure what you're talking about." A panic starts to well up in the pit of her stomach.

She reaches over and places a hand over Shepard's. She involuntarily tenses up but doesn't pull away, looking into Liara's concerned eyes. "I know that you and Garrus... were an item."

_Oh god, what does she know. If she knows about Garrus what _else_ does she know?_

Liara gives a gentle squeeze. "If your feelings for him are still anywhere near as strong as they were in the memories I saw, then you should let him know."

All Shepard can do is stare as Liara pulls away and stands up, about to take her empty tray. "I didn't mean to pry, but little traces of you came with the Prothean visions. I'm sorry if I've overstepped my bounds."

Shepard feels dizzy and realizes she isn't breathing. A slow, raspy exhale doesn't help dispel the confusion racing through her and the pounding in her temples. She just sits there, feeling utterly alone as she tries to figure out _what the hell she's supposed to do now._


	6. Chapter 6

**AN:** I started this story before ME3 came out. Which means I wrote myself into a corner early on without even knowing it. I guess it would've been fine if I hadn't continued the story, but I did and I am so I'll just have to figure it out. I have some ideas for how to work in ME3, though I probably won't touch it until the DLC comes out just to be sure.

To help set things up, though, let's say that Shepard and Garrus ended up in a Newgame+ because of their tremendous fuck-ups in ME3. I'm talking no Javik. I'm talking not searching planets for war assets. No N7 missions completed for Hackett. This Shepard basically saw beating ME3 as a race to the finish and not something you should take your time getting right. I've got some other ideas on how to incorporate some ME3 stuff, and I'll address changes to the actual game as I get to them.

But I totally plan on seeing this out to the end... wherever that end may be.

* * *

><p><strong>Infinite Regress <strong>

If she faces the wall and keeps the lights dimmed, she can almost pretend it's her cabin. The bed might not be as soft, the engines hum a little louder, and she misses the glow of the fish tank, but when she's tired and lets her mind wander, it's close enough.

But then she gets too comfortable and drifts off to sleep. She's been so tired for what feels like years. She hasn't gotten a good night's sleep since she left Earth. Whenever she does manage to fall asleep, her dreams make her wish she hadn't. Faces and faces of those she left behind but hasn't even met, of things she's lost but is trying to save, all of it comes crashing down in those lost moments between the night and morning shifts.

But in the end, always in the end, they all ask her the same question.

_"Are you going to let us die again, Shepard?"_

Although she wants to shout back _"NO!"_ deep in the back of her mind she knows the real answer is, _"Some of you, yes."_

It was probably just a little petty of her to both avoid Liara and to go out of her way to spend time with Ashley. And she tried not to enjoy it too much when her approach drove apart Ashley and Garrus from whatever the hell they'd been talking about. Perhaps it should've bothered her more that she enjoyed interrupting their bonding time, but it was the one selfish thing she allowed herself.

_Not trying to use the timeline to defend yourself, at least._

She could have. Quite easily. Garrus and Ashley had gotten along well enough, but they were never _this_ close. It was different, which was, this early at least, dangerous.

But there was no denying the jealousy she felt underlying her… interest in those two. Shepard didn't worry about fidelity on Garrus' part. He'd followed her in and out of hell and through time and was loyal to a fault. No, he'd be with her til the end. Past the end.

No, she merely resented that Ashley was the one who got to spend time with him. While she was forced to stay in the limelight, fighting from planet to planet as the star of the show, Garrus could hang back and spend time with the other crewmen.

Truth be told, she was a little surprised he'd picked Ashley as a companion over Wrex, Tali or Liara – all people he knew much better. It was a mystery. Minor in the scheme of things, but one that plagued her nonetheless.

Yet again her entrance to the cargo bay is greeted with Garrus' retreating form, this time heading to engineering. She really needed to make time to check in with him. Though if the past was any indication, she'd have to make sure it was somewhere _populated_.

"Hey Ash." It did please her a little bit to get to spend more time Ashley, especially as Virmire drew closer. She'd be getting that report any day now.

"You got a lot of free time on your hands, Skipper?" Ashley's voice was light, but she seemed annoyed, almost scolding.

"Always got time to make the rounds and see how my crew was doing. Too busy to talk, Williams?"

She shrugged, arms crossing over her chest. "Just seems you're making them a bit more often than usual, is all."

"I've been avoiding reports and debriefings, to be honest. Commanding a ship and being a Spectre is all fun and games until you realize your paperwork's doubled since you're writing up mission reports for the Alliance and the Council."

"_Garrus_ always used to complain about the bureaucracy back in C-Sec."

Shepard started slightly. So they were on a first name basis now? She struggled to find something neutral to say, but failed. "I've noticed you and Garrus have been spending a lot of time together recently."

"What can I say, we get along better than I would've thought."

_Yes. Better than I would've thought, too._ "He is one of the good ones."

"Sure is." Ashley paused, one hand idly tracing the line of her work station. Shepard couldn't shake the feeling that she was being herded somewhere. "I'm actually surprised _you're_ not spending more time with him."

Shepard eyed her suspiciously. It'd be easier to deflect whatever was coming if she actually knew _what_ was coming. "Well, I _do_ take him on pretty much every mission. Not much more to say after the shuttle ride back."

"I just thought you might still be embarrassed about… whatever it is I saw the other day?"

She straightened. At her full height, she was a good few inches taller. "I thought we'd already talked about that."

Ashley nodded. "We did."

"Look," an exasperated hand came up to rub the sleep out of her eyes. She was tired – always _so_ tired – and the wear and tear was starting to show a bit more. This was not helping. "I just don't want you to overthink what's going on with Garrus and me or you or anyone."

"Afraid of a little competition?"

Shepard's draw actually almost dropped.

Miranda. Ashley was somehow channeling Miranda right now. The corner of her mouth twitched slightly as she tried not to smile at the idea. She wondered if the two of them would have gotten along. Shepard expected that Ashley would have loved to hate Miranda, at first, before the two finally figured they could gang up on her.

"Look, I don't know what's going on with you and Garrus, and I don't really want to know." Well, that last part might be a lie. "I just need you two to be a bit more professional and not run off whenever I enter a room."

"Hypocritical much, Commander?"

Few things could genuinely stun Commander Shepard. This conversation happened to be one of them. "... What?"

Ashley hands flew to her hips as her eyes narrowed at her CO. "You play around with the LT and Vakarian, but get upset when Vakarian does the same?"

Both women knew it wasn't true. Or at least, Shepard logically knew it wasn't true. Garrus was so firmly Shepard's that the idea would almost be laughable if the circumstances weren't so... strange. But it stung to hear it, to even think it.

Ashley's hand went to her hair, kneading the back of her head as she awkwardly tried to backtrack. "If it bothers you so much, shouldn't you be doing something about it? And I'm not really the one you should be talking to."

So, there it was.

Before Shepard could figure out… well, anything, the comm crackled to life.

"_Commander?"_

She holds Ashley's eye a minute before answering. "Yes, Joker?"

"_Council wants us to investigate a lead about Saren."_

"Go on." _Shit. Shitshitshit._

"_Apparently some Salarian team on Virmire found out something."_

"Set in a course. I'm on my way up."

If Shepard has been looking, she'd have noticed Ashley go ghostly pale. She would've seen her stop breathing for a minute. The blank, thousand mile stare would've haunted Shepard, who was by now halfway to the elevator. And if she'd stopped to look back, she would've seen Garrus rounding the corner from engineering, falling into the job that should've been hers.

* * *

><p>Shepard didn't know. Ashley was <em>sure<em> she didn't know that she knew what they knew (and yes, it gave her a headache to think of it like that). And the fact that Shepard wasn't aware of what Ashley knew was probably the only reason she didn't notice the younger woman shaking slightly as they set out for Virmire.

Damn, she felt like a cadet again.

It might have been a couple weeks ago - she hadn't really been counting - that she'd found out she was going to die on some rock named Virmire. So now it seemed the time had come. Her life could now be measured out in hours, maybe days, maybe minutes. Either way, she no longer had the luxury of weeks, months, or (if only) years.

Ashley Williams wasn't scared of dying. She was proud to be a soldier who would do what needed to be done. That she'd do her duty, and do it gladly. She'd faced death before, dozens of times before she'd ever met Commander Jane Shepard (though admittedly a lot more since). But never with the level of certainty that now plagued her.

Was she scared? Yes. If she was honest, then she'd have to say yes. She wasn't worried about what would happen _after_ death. It was just the idea of actually _dying_ that worried her. Would it be what they say it is? Would your life flash before your eyes? Would there be a bright light guiding you on? But these had always been questions. It was the new ones that bugged her, that had kept her up at night and that now gave her a stiff gait as she walked behind Shepard.

Would she _know_ it was coming, right before it happened?

Would it hurt?

Knowing that this was it... would she be able to go through with it?

To the last one, at least, she hoped she could answer _"Yes."_

"Does it hurt?"

Garrus didn't bother looking up as the woman towered over him. He kept fiddling with the scope of his rifle. "Does what hurt?"

Ashley looked around nervously. They were at the Salarian camp, by the river. No one else was within earshot. Good.

They'd been on this damn rock for a few hours now. It was wracking her nerves to think that… really, any time now. Her heart was beating like a hammer just thinking about it.

She swallowed a dry lump. "Dying." She was smart enough to know that she probably didn't want to know. But it'd been going through her mind all day.

His hands falter on the rifle and he immediately looks up. "I suppose that depends on how you die," he says slowly, deliberately.

"When _you_ died, did it hurt?"

He sets the rifle down, completely forgotten, and stands up. He needed to be eye level for this conversation. "I almost died on Omega. That's… really the closest I've ever been. There was an immense amount of pain before I blacked out." He paced for a few steps, considering. "When I died with Shepard on that Reaper… explosions tore through us. I… don't remember… I felt fire, briefly, before I felt nothing. So, no. I guess it didn't hurt."

She nods, calmly, as if they were discussing the weather. "And… when _I_ died, did it hurt?"

All she knew – _really_ knew – was that she'd die on Virmire. He'd said something about Geth and a bomb and Saren, but she'd stopped him from going into too much detail. She figured it'd be hard enough without having a weird sense of déjà vu to go with it.

For a while, she thinks he won't answer. She'd already made him swear not to tell her more, even if she asked later. Some things you just shouldn't know. His three fingered hands come to rest on her shoulders, his grip felt even through the armor. "It'll be fast, I promise."

Ashley's tempted to hug him, but it doesn't seem like a good idea. Too much adrenaline, too many emotions. Hell, she'd probably end up falling apart and bawling if she gave in to something like that. Instead, she nods slightly, voice too weak to try thanking him.

He walks away, and Ashley spends the rest of the day wondering if he'd lied.

* * *

><p>Garrus wasn't the only one here they could accuse of idol worship. Since Eden Prime, Ashley'd been guilty of once or twice thinking of Shepard as a hero. Not just a remarkable person, but a bonafide hero, the stuff of legends. She figured twenty years out from now, she'd be telling her kids about when she worked with "the Shepard" way back when.<p>

The last part might have changed, but she still couldn't help but think of Shepard as a little larger than life. She respected this woman, believed in her and, most of all, _trusted_ her.

Shoulders square, she stared across the clearing and listened to the Commander talk Wrex down. Breathe held, she prayed to god she wouldn't have to fire this weapon, but at the same time kept her trigger finger ready. Because when push comes to shove, she knows she'll take whatever shot Shepard tells her to.

They were yelling now. Shit. She could feel sweat forming on her brow. Was this really happening?

Wrex made it out, right? Garrus had told her stories. Tuchanka. Sur'kesh. Eve. The genophage. He makes it off this planet (unlike her). Lives to fight another day and kick Reaper ass.

... Right?

Garrus wasn't just fucking around, was he? Feeding her stories about a Wrex that lived when really he'd died with her bullet through his head. Trying to fend off any guilt she'd feel knowing she'd killed a comrade. No, Garrus wouldn't do that.

Right?


	7. Chapter 7

**AN:** Still moving forward, slowly but surely. Hopefully in two weeks I'll have more to write… Since June hit, I've had the pleasure of three huge projects at work back to back. Almost done the third, which means I may actually have time to do other shit (yay!).

Not sure if this section flows very well. Basically every piece was written at a different time, and I haven't really gone through it to make sure it _works_ as a whole.

Glad people are finding Ashley sympathetic. I don't get to see a lot of her when I play or when I read other people's stuff. It's kinda nice getting to know her a little better, at least on my end.

* * *

><p><strong>Infinite Regress <strong>

It wasn't fair for him to tell her. He sees that now. Everyone's nerves are already frayed, and after the standoff with Wrex he can tell Ashley's are even more so. Both Shepard and the krogan walked away - just like the last time - but the doubt had been there.

Now all he can think about is the future. And changing it. Spirits, does he want to change it.

What the hell is the _point_ if they're going to let the same people - _good_ people - slip through their fingers again? People who they might need to tip the scales at the end...

He thinks about his father and sister, dying as they try to escape Palaven. What if someone had known it was going to happen, but decided to just stand by and watch? To not even _try_?

And like that, the decision's made.

* * *

><p>"Garrus."<p>

His heart nearly skips a beat. It's not that she's said his name. But she hasn't said his name like that since...

He dares himself to call her 'Jane,' but can't find the nerve. Not with their squadmates within earshot and not with Kirrahe around the corner. "Shepard." He answers with the same intensity, the long since developed familiarity that had underlay every conversation on the SR2.

"We should talk tactics." And with that she nodded to the left and took off with a steady step. As always, he didn't hesitate to follow.

She didn't stop until they were behind the makeshift structures housing the soldiers and equipment. With the camp behind them, the mountains and Virmire's natural beauty could almost drown out the pressure of the fight they were about to go through.

For a moment he's distracted by the idyllic backdrop, doesn't noticed she's come into his space until she throws her arms around his neck and is kissing him. And for a second - just for a second - he forgets where and when they are, too busy sighing against her lips and starting to pull her in. But that whole "when" issue pops up and, damn it all, he pulls away.

"Sh.. Shepard," he stutters. He can barely keep her at arm's length, that look in her eyes setting him on fire in ways he's missed lately. "I... I thought you wanted to talk-"

"Talk's cheap."

"Shepard-" he tries again, but her fingers fly up to gently still his mandibles.

"Please," she whispers. "I've missed you."

Maybe he should put up more of a fight, but her lips are on his again and her hands are stealthily removing pieces of armor...

He knows he should stop her. Even in their time, they weren't like this. They'd always been able to wait until they were behind closed doors. But if they'd been caught then by some wandering crewman or if their moans caught the attention of a curious engineer who didn't know any better, it would've been awkward but no surprise. It was hardly a secret the Commander was close to her favorite turian...

But this? Here and now? It made no sense to _him_ and he'd at least had the future to prepare him for it. Even to poor Ashley Williams, who knew or thought she knew, this would be too much.

Even as he knew this was a stupid, terrible idea, his need for her was too great. As she leaned in, chest pressing against his side as her one hand massaged under his fringe and the other stroked him with the casual need she always had, it wasn't hope of stopping her that made his hand reach to her breastplate. No, it was a faint wish there was less armor between them and that he could touch her in turn.

* * *

><p>Shepard walks back to her post with Kirrahe, her younger self scolding her the whole way for a lack of self-control. A voice uselessly throwing around words like "control" and "selfish" and "the future." Words that are sounding more and more meaningless as her second iteration plays out.<p>

God help her if there's a third or fourth after this. She's not sure if she has the strength to see this one to the end.

She tries not to think about Garrus (or Ashley or Kaidan or Wrex or anything but putting one step in front of the other). Maybe this is why the Alliance frowns on fraternization. Because in the end, she loves the blue bastard but he's just another distraction. Something else clouding up her priorities and making an already impossible mission that much harder.

A deep sigh escapes her, the weight on her chest getting heavier as she wonders what to do. There's still time to save Ashley, to make a switch for Kaidan as sacrificial lamb here.

_No, _she thinks. _Stay the course. This is the way it was supposed to be, as much as it sucks._

Stay the course. Hold the line.

Both great in theory, but both with a lot of casualties along the way.

* * *

><p>They leave in five. His heart's pounding in his throat and he feels like he wants to vomit. He was never one to be so underhanded. Give him an order and he'll follow it.<p>

But sometimes there are bad orders.

Garrus finds Ashley at the edge of the camp, looking particularly grim. Grim but resolved. He's reminded of the Collector Base, the tension running through the whole crew as they prepared to march to their deaths under Shepard's command. But she'd gotten them all out alive, in the end. Could Garrus perform a similar miracle?

His own rotten luck with his team on Omega makes him want to vomit all over again.

"Shepard's sending me with Aegohr Team." She looks at him, a question in her eyes. He tries not to flinch and answer it.

"You sure you're ready for this?"

Williams shrugged. "God's got a plan for all of us. It's not for us to understand or even like it, just to do our part in it." She checked the ammo in her rifle before holstering it. "Doesn't mean I'm not going to fight like hell to stay alive."

"We can still try to find a way to-"

"Shut it, Vakarian," she snaps. The ferocity in her eyes reminds him of Shepard, and he swallows what he wants to say. "You can't go messing around with shit like this. Sure, you might pull me through, but what about the rest of them? Sounds like everyone's got a pretty important part in what's to come. I'm the only puzzle piece that doesn't fit in there. Losing me's a sure bet, after all."

He sighs deeply. He can pull this off, really, he knows he can, but not if she's not willing. "You could though. Be important. We don't know enough-"

"Vakarian, seriously. _Shut it._ If Shepard needs things to go a certain way to beat Saren and get through all the other crap that's coming, then I gotta respect that and follow orders." She lowers her voice, suddenly sounding deflated. "I'm okay with that. Really."

Garrus hadn't realized until then that Ashley was probably just as stubborn as Shepard. Two women used to getting their way trying to stop him from getting his. "Stop trying to convince yourself that you need to die. This war will have enough martyrs before the end."

Ashley's shoulders slump slightly. "This isn't just fighting mercs here. Me staying alive, that's fighting against fate."

"You don't think you're worth it?"

Her eyes flash dangerously at him. "This isn't about whether _one_ soldier is worth fighting to keep alive. This is whether one soldier's death is worth it in comparison to the whole fucking galaxy. So no, in the grand scheme of things, I _don't_ think saving me is worth losing everyone else."

They're silent for a moment, her anger fizzing out as abruptly came.

_Okay,_ he thinks. _She won't save herself willingly. Guess it's time for Plan B._

_Really wish I had thought of a Plan B..._

"If things don't..." he coughed slightly and tried again. "If there's a place in the afterlife where humans and turians can meet up, I think I'll owe you a drink."

"For dying? Fuck, you'll owe me a whole damn bottle." The two laughed together and tried to focus on how nice that feeling was. To be among friends in the moments before that final battle. They'd both had talks like this with others before earlier battles. It was just harder to overlook the fact that this battle had already been written, the outcome more or less sealed.

"Do me a favor, though."

Change was in the air, but he knew he couldn't refuse. Even if it weren't her final request, it would make him feel like a bastard to deny her after all the crap he'd dumped on her recently. Choking slightly, he nods firmly.

Ashley opens up her omnitool and he sees her forwarding a message. "Give this to my sisters. It's... got some sensitive stuff in there, so you'll probably want to give it to them in person. You know, just in case."

He knows he won't read it. Curiosity being what it is, he'll probably spend a few sleepless nights in the weeks to come wondering what type of message a person about to die sends their loved ones. Even so, this is one mystery he knows will go unsolved. But he wonders, all the same, what she's playing at. "Sensitive stuff?"

The defiance in her eyes is palpable, only slightly undercut by her smile - genuine and warm even as she stood ready to walk into hell. "Just trust me, Vakarian."

Trust. That word was getting thrown around a lot. He wondered if it really meant anything anymore.

Shepard's voice echoed over the com. _"Time to move out, people._"

And just like that, the moment was sombre again. She put a hand on Garrus' shoulder and squeezed through the armor. "I'll look out for her after Alchera. Keep her company until she's ready to kick ass again. I don't want you to worry about it. She'll come back. She's Commander Fucking Shepard. She _always_ comes back."

She's walking away. It's a now or never situation, and Garrus can't ignore the impulse. In this decision, this small attempt, he sees for once possibility. Omega and his squad and Palaven and so much more... He grabs her by the arm and pulls her in, leaning down to hiss into her ear. "I don't care _what_ your orders are. When it comes to it, you follow Kirrahe. Understand?"

Ashley stares at him, shock and confusion etched into all of her features. He tightens his grip and shakes her when she doesn't answer. "You understand?"

The salarians are moving out. Some stare curiously at the pair, chattering flying over the comm as everyone tries to figure out where the hell they're supposed to be.

Her expression is unreadable as she answers him.

Garrus lets her go, watches her walk away and hopes he'll get to see her again. But it's in her hands now.

* * *

><p>Shepard stands at the railing, gripping it firmly and grinding her teeth together. Even as she knew this would happen, she'd begged and pleaded that it wouldn't. Hoped at least somehow fate wouldn't demand that <em>she<em> make the final call.

Of course it went the same. She'd done her best not to change anything, hadn't she? She'd driven straight toward her goal, and was willing to sacrifice anything along the way to get it.

Especially things she'd already lost.

In the end, the choice was simple. She couldn't live knowing she'd killed both of them.

"We're coming back for you, Alenko. Ash… I'm sorry. I had to make a choice here-"

"It's alright Commander. I understand. No regrets."

Garrus' hand flew up to his comm. "Remember what I told you. And if all else fails... Take care of her when I can't, Williams."

There was a brief pause. "Will do, sir. You do the same."

The comm goes silent, Wrex is already heading back the way they came. Back to Kaidan, back to the bomb, back to the way things are supposed to be. But Shepard's just standing there, jaw dropped and silently gaping at Garrus.

_What did he _do_? What the fuck did he _tell_ her?_

Surprisingly, he doesn't flinch under her gaze. He doesn't even have the decency to look ashamed or embarrassed, just defiant. Back straight, towering almost a foot over her, she wonders when the hell he got so damn confident. She wants to beat the look off his face and demand he tell her _everything. _Unfortunately, they just don't have the time for it.

"Later," she hisses and storms off.

* * *

><p>It's easy to tell when Shepard's pissed.<p>

She fights that much harder, is that much more brutal and unforgiving to her enemies, and sometimes can barely reign in her anger enough to keep her allies from feeling the fallout. It's all Garrus can do to keep her six clear. Wrex seems to be finding it just as difficult. Reckless, a force of nature tearing through anything in her path, he can't help but wonder how he didn't fall for her on the SR1.

In her blind fury, she nearly kills Saren a little early. But the bare-faced bastard manages to get away… again. Part of him wonders if that would've been so bad. Stop this mess early and focus on other, bigger things. But they know what Saren's planning. The geth think sideways in comparison to organics. Leaving the geth to fight Sovereign's fight would leave them at square one.

Not that Shepard's thinking about any of this as she shoots at the retreating Spectre until her pistol overheats. He thanks the Spirits that she's not a biotic yet – she'd have charged him and possibly gotten herself killed. How many times has he told her not to go where he can't follow?

It's no surprise that she won't look at him, barely acknowledges that any of them are there as they break orbit and flee the bomb.

"Joker, report." They all nearly jump as she breaks the silence. Whatever relief they felt at making it out alive immediately dies underneath her barked order and the tension she's radiating.

"The bomb went off as planned-"

"Ash."

Even in this time, Joker's been working with Shepard for a while. He knows that tone and Garrus can see him switch from sarcastic pilot to serious soldier. "I've got word of a salarian shuttle that made it off planet just before we did. Changing course to pick them up."

"Ash," she repeats.

Joker just shakes his head. "No idea, Commander. They must've taken a few hits ground-side. All I'm getting is an automated message asking for pick up." He swivels in his chair just enough to make eye contact. "You don't think it's a geth trap or something, do you?"

"Maybe the first time," she mutters under her breath. "Just pick them up."

"Aye, Commander."

She makes a point of hitting his shoulder as she storms past. "I'll be in the cargo bay."


End file.
